contractual obligation
i tell people i took a three year break from tech cause i was burnt out
but that was a lie.
in 2015 i went to my first tech conference up in rochester, ny with only one other person.
he was the first employee of the startup i worked for at the time and the director of sales.
i remember being nervous as hell. he was the first big executive i’d ever spent time with but, not only that — it was my first time being away in a professional setting for three days straight.
my first big step into my career after college, and i was *so* excited.
but on night two, we went to a work dinner that turned into a night that changed my life forever, and i was sexually assaulted in a hotel room by the coworker that was there with me that trip.
it took me down the darkest path i could ever imagine.
i was 24 years old, worked my ass off to get into this very popular startup (i applied on three different occasions), was learning a ton, and i didn’t want to lose it all.
so i spent two years quietly struggling.
dealing with the memory of what had happened but feeling responsible, white knuckling every pass he made at the office, discovering he was withholding sales commissions from my paycheck, not giving me spiffs or awards i worked hard to earn, and retaliating against me through my work.
but it wasn’t until one day after one of our monthly sales meetings, our director of sales operations pulled me aside, and told me i was the first rep to sell over $1M within an eleven month period. she said the director wasn’t going to let me know ‘for some reason,’ and at that point, i decided to confide in a friend about what had been happening.
when the company found out, they immediately launched a formal investigation and made me leave work for 3wks to deal with attorneys, provide proof, spend time being interviewed telling my story from that night and the days after over and over again so they could decide what to do from there
and it absolutely ruined me.
i remember walking through the halls the first day i came back to work, feeling the eyes of people staring and whispering to one another, being in an enclosed office room with three other women awkwardly not knowing how to talk to me, and i felt completely alone.
everyone was acutely aware of what i was going through
— but my truth became their gossip.
i felt isolated
i felt totally lost
i was embarrassed
and the hardest part?
i was ripped away from the one of the few things i felt *truly* proud of at the time:
my career.
so i left tech altogether for three years
to heal
to forget
to find joy
to find myself
+ it took a long. ass. time.
i was numb, i was struggling to find healthy coping mechanisms, and it wasn’t until years later but i slowly was finding my way through.
i’ve never once told this story publicly, and even writing it is nearly impossible. there are so many details that are still hard for me to reason with; the shame, the embarrassment, the anger.
but i always knew the one way to take back control was to return to this world i loved but struggled so much to contend with years ago, so i could share what happened to me in case anyone else was going through the same.
i’ve felt this bubbling up of this story on my chest for years now. i always knew i wanted to tell it, but the burden of not knowing how, or how it will be perceived, or what people will think always outweighed the wanting — because it’s one of those chapters in life that’s changed me to my core.
with yesterday being world mental health day, it just felt like … it was time.
for anyone that’s gone through something similar or difficult:
not every environment will be safe for your healing all of the time.
it’s okay to step away to truly rebalance, and i promise you — it won’t be an easy decision, but it’ll be an important one
you do not need to be THANKFUL for the hardship someone else has caused you
we can be empowered by our past experiences, while owning the pain it caused
when people look at my work history now and see i walked an ‘unconventional path’ i look at them with a little snicker and smirk.
their naivety in the ‘why’ fuels me in knowing:
i walked that path so i could be here (and stronger) today.
never let anyone take that power away from you.
i’m here for you, and i always will be.
